Nov 25th 2016 – 12:00 AM day started, there was a mixed feeling. I was excited, scared to death, nervous and probably every other feeling possible. My wife was ready to be delivered the baby but just waited for contraction on the waiting room and baby’s heart beat were monitored continuously. At 1:00 AM sharp I could see lot of people rushing to our room and asks my wife to flip & turn around and I had no clue what’s going on, neither my wife.
I asked ‘What’s the problem?’ before even I ask that question I can felt my own heartbeat. ‘Baby’s heart beat is slowing down’ they replied. I was broken into pieces; ‘We need to do C-section to get the baby out’ before she completes her sentence, there was a shout from outside ‘OR is ready!’. Everything happened so fast (based on clock) and my angel has born 1:23 AM healthy. Everyone whispers there “it happens very fast; within 20 mins they prepared OR, doctor came, they delivered the baby.” I agree, but for me it was the longest 20 mins in my life.
That time I realized TEARS has 2 meanings, by 1:00 AM my tears meant ‘Am I going to lose my life’, at 1:23 AM tears didn’t stop but it meant different ‘Here is my life’.
I felt that time I am the one who is going to face my angel FACE-TO-FACE first time between me & my wife. I still have that conceited smile in my face when I see my wife.
Nov 25th 2016 – I have no feeling other than I became a dad, without knowing what it means.
Days are passing 1, 2, 3, 4… I just realized how much I have changed/learned day by day. The first point I realized I have learned to love unconditionally, regardless of whether she is being happy and cute, good, the bad and the ugly ; anytime & every second I love her, and there’s no sense complaining about why they are bad.
I became crazy by all time & non-verbal. I am doing crazy things to make her smile. When we speak to our friends/relatives we always keen to do not being stupid OR crazy in front of them. But I was literally doing all the crazy stuffs & speaking to her in nonverbal to make her happy, without even thinking about my friends and family are sitting on the same room.
The word “me” has disappeared from my dictionary. Because whatever I do/speak/buy something, I am not thinking about “me”, I am thinking about my little angel.
I leaned to stay & live in the moment. When I say “She is 5 months now” to friends, their first reaction “days flew by”, but it didn’t for me, because I am engaged in whatever I’m doing. When I feel something she picks up my energy and reflects like a mirror. When I feel stressed/bad, she never smiles and just copies my behavior. That makes me to stop stressing and just live in the moment. I don’t want to raise my angel to follow what I do nor does what I say. I want to raise someone who thinks independently in the moment, and is able to be calm, and cool regardless of what’s going on in their life.
I am learning day by day to make my angel happy, learn, play & love everyone. I am & will not teach any algorithm to her to survive in this world. Because her life itself is ready to teach lot many things to her and every lesson is going to be unique. I am just teaching her to adapt anything and stay positive, every second is a lesson and learn out of it.
So far this is the best 5 months of my life, I have changed a lot inside. Not only my angel, even her ‘Daddy has been born’ on Nov 25th.
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Very good read Balaji! Keep the blog active and going !